we have pet lesbian snakes
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
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