mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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