When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
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