remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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