I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
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