And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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