i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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