Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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