yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
