If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
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