she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
