I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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