I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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