also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
