im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
I'm too high and old for this...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
