If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
