Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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