Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
