I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
