We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
