guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
