Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
