Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
