everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
