My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
