Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
17 year olds will be the death of me.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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