It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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