Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
