There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize