Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
