apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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