Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
