It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
this beer tastes like vomit already
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Randomize
