Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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