I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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