I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
