I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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