when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
