My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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