So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
