Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
