dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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