in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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