in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
This toilet bowl is my home.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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