OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
