im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
