Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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