You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
