i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Randomize
