My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
