did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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