Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
