so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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