the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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