I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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