We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
