I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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