I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Pants are for mortals
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