I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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