i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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