barbara walters just said penis...
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
