I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize