I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
