I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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